Thoughts on Life after Loss

"He is in a better place!" 

"Remember the good times." 

"You just need to count your blessings."

"Everyone goes through this at some point." 

   

These are common phrases you hear when you are grieving the loss of a loved one. While there is truth behind these sentiments and they are said by well-meaning, caring individuals, sometimes they can come across as indifferent. It feels as though people expect you to just "get over it" as if it was something trivial like a failed exam or a broken cell phone. 

 The reality is, it is impossible to comprehend the healing process after loss or trauma unless you have gone through a similar situation. You just simply cannot imagine how it feels until you know by experience. 

I lost my father after a battle with cancer just a little over a year ago and that is, objectively, a very recent life-changing event. Yet I have already felt that my grieving has "lasted too long",  as though expressing the depth of the brokenness I've experienced is somehow annoying or dramatic. 

The only way I can explain it is that the death of someone who plays such a large role in your life is one of the most pivotal moments you can face.  You never come away from such a loss with the same mindset or outlook on life. You feel like you are starting over, trying to form your new identity without this person who was such a big piece of who you are.  Life itself seems to lose some of its meaning when a person who used to share with you all of life's big moments is no longer around. 

In my case, my dad was very present and involved. Because of this, it's impossible not to feel a wave of heartache when reaching milestones and living through moments that he should be present for.

So many things you have looked forward to in life now seem much more bleak and unappealing...

     He would have been on the receiving end of my calls announcing a new job or a raise, and he would have applauded the loudest 

     He'd be the one to keep mom from becoming lonely when she became an empty nester and all their children went their separate ways.

     No doubt he would have found so many ways to pick on our significant others, just because he found that kind of thing so entertaining.

      Eventually he would have walked me down the aisle and shed a few tears.

He would have barbecued with my husband on sunny summer afternoons.

     Someday he would have been ecstatic at the announcement that he was going to be a grandpa.

      Then he would have paced the hospital halls while anxiously waiting for his grandchild to make their grand entrance into this world.

      We would have had him over for Sunday dinners at my house while I cooked some of the meals he taught me to make himself. 

      There's no doubt he would have been the funniest and coolest grandpa in the cafeteria on Grandparent's Day. 

      After retirement he'd spend Thanksgiving dinners with my mother and a house full of children and grandchildren. 

      He would have been here to offer me advice as my children grew, to share how he survived my own teenage years.

      I would be able to talk with him and laugh with him whenever I wanted and he would always be a listening ear. 

     He would have been so proud of the family he raised and the way they were raising families of their own.

He would have done and been all of these things and now he can't. 

Nobody will, because nobody can. 

No one can be the husband and father he was or the grandfather he would have been. 

Nobody can fill his shoes or take his place. 

This is what will always hurt and what you will spend your whole life coming to terms with. 

Yes, we can find immense comfort in the fact that we will see him again in Paradise and still miss him everyday. 

We can enjoy and celebrate life as it is, while still grieving for the life we had planned. 

Simultaneously we love those around us and still have a piece of our hearts reserved for someone who has become a memory.

And, yes, we look forward to an eternity with those who have passed on and still struggle with the fact that we are currently creatures bound by time. 

One day all tears will be washed from our faces and sadness and sighing will flee away, but until then remember this: It doesn't matter if it's been X amount of time, grief is a lifelong struggle and it has no expiration date.   

"Grief never ends… But it changes.
It’s a passage, not a place to stay.
Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith…
It is the price of love."  -Author Unkown

And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

Revelation 21:4

 Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted. 

Matthew 5:4